June 14, 2012:
“Cried myself to sleep again last night. Feeling so broken. We are so messed up. Never thought marriage would be like this. I need help, God. I don’t know where to go or what to do.”
July 16, 2012:
“I feel hopeless that we will ever come out of this. God, help me. Help me, please.”
August 24, 2012:
“Geoff and I are not well. It seems like we are hanging on by a thread most days. I am a mess. Put me back together, God. Restore our marriage.”
September 3, 2012:
“God, work a miracle in our lives. I can’t do this. There’s no way I can do this. No person can fix this; only You can fix this. I need for you to intervene here. Please, Jesus, please.”
June 9th, 2017.
Today. Today marks 10 years of marriage. 10 years in and about a million memories. 10 years in and already one heck of a story to tell.
A story of joy and laughter and love. Of despair and hopelessness and desperation. Of waiting and hoping and perseverance. And ultimately, of restoration and of purpose.
Five years in, our marriage had imploded. Something that had once felt unbreakable had completely collapsed. It was broken into a million pieces and it felt irreparable. For months on months on months of both of us trying to make things right, I questioned if we would make it. I mean, I figured we would make it, in that we wouldn’t get divorced. But I couldn’t see how we could ever be healed…how we could ever have a even a chance of a semi-happy marriage again.
I knew that it wasn’t going to happen by anything that Geoff or I could do individually or together. We had done all that we knew to do. And yet, we were still a mess. I knew it was going to have to be something much bigger than us. It was going to have to be God that made a way for us. I pleaded with Him daily to help us.
By the grace of God, we made it out of that dark pit that we were in. It certainly didn’t happen overnight or with a magic bullet. Little by little…day by day…things began to get better. I honest to goodness believe that I witnessed a miracle through our marriage. Because I remember where we were. I remember where my heart was. I remember the despair of feeling that I had come to the end of my rope and had no where else to go.
Of course, I would never wish to go through it again. Nor can I say that am I’m glad that we were in that place. But at the same time, it’s also hard to wish that it had all never happened. Although we lost an awful lot during that season, we gained immeasurably more. Perspective, gratefulness, forgiveness, selflessness, depth. And getting to experience God’s existence, presence, love and power in our lives.
. . . . . . . . . .
Geoff. 10 years of weekend getaways and late night gummy worm runs. Of “I’m pregnants”, baby birth days and learning to parent together. Of packing up all of our possessions time and time again…into new home after new home after new home. Of friends and ministry and pets and business. Of holding each other up through loss, disappointment and rejection. Of chasing down stray dogs, holidays and drinking lattes like it’s our life’s work. Of praying through anxieties, direction and dreams. Through surgeries and sicknesses and potty training. Of dance parties and celebrations and laughing until we’re crying.
We have the most beautiful life. Fighting for us was worth it. I love you, I’m so grateful for you and I can’t wait to see all that God has for us from here. Happy anniversary, babe.